So I think I only use my LJ to talk about the bad and sad things going on in my life.
I thought I'd take some time to do a post about the good.
I was accepted into Cal Poly and while things have been tough and the thought of dropping out has been on my mind A LOT, I think I'll just push through. I might take next quarter off though. I mean I think I was really burned out with this whole anxiety and panic issues I had earlier this year.
I've lost weight and I'm sadly at what seems to be a plateau, but I'm still trying... and that's what counts.
I'm dealing with my job has got better. I Try not to stress out. I am the only one that does what I do and I'm only one person... I can't do everything and I shouldn't stress out about that. That’s my mantra while I’m at work
I'm single and not pregnant and I'm happy about that. I recently went to a birthday party of one of my best friends, her daughter turned 1. I was the only one not with a kid. You know what, I'm totally okay with that. I'm 24 and in no way prepared to have a family.
Family, family is good. I love them, but I think I'm ready to move out. And that's the plan a year from now, when all my bills and car is paid off.
Things work out... no matter how hard things seem now, and that's what I try to focus on. Do I wish I was paid more? Sure... Do I like my job, not particularly (only cause there is no developmental potential) but over all I like the people (most of them) and that's what really keeps me here. So for now things are good. I knock on wood that they continue that way.
So now that I my update was upbeat and positive... I'm off to twitter and tumblr. I've done my job. LOL
After 5 ECGs, 1 Echo and 1 halter monitor, everyone tells me my heart activity is normal. Still I am having chest pain, shoulder numbness, indigestion and at times flutters and palpitations.
At this point, I am just really scared and cry all the time. All I ever want to do is be home. I am on my third Cardiologist... I cannot help feeling as if I am crazy. I also called Cedar Sinai to set up a consultation with their heart unit. It is not until April...
Emotionally, I am a mess.
On the bright side, I lost another 2.5 pounds this week.
My great aunt was very old and suffered from a lot of pain. I remember being in jr. high and high school visiting her. Her hands were totally deformed from the arthritis.
I remember she once gave me a granite paperweight shaped like a heart. It was black and she said it symbolized her heart. She was very bitter, but always nice to me.
The last time I saw her was two years ago at my grandpas funeral. She was crying and understandably upset. She was screaming and wailing (in Spanish), “There was no point in living without my brother. God took the good one too soon.” She was the last of that generation of the Ramos family. Now she is dead. Now she is with my grandpa. Despite the awful stories I heard about her and mean and rude comments she always made when family would go visit her, despite her “sins”, I believe that she is finally happy because she has returned to her family. I know my grandpa is there with his arms wide open.
Of course, the sadness I feel is for my parents, my tia’s and tio’s who knew my aunt better than I ever did. My mourning is for my mom, who when I spoke to her on the phone was chocking back tears, because as much as she didn’t want to admit it, this death is affecting her more than she wants. More than I want to admit…. Because in reality it has only been 2 years since my grandpa died. It is never any fun hearing that a family member has died unexpectedly, no matter how much you expected it.
…It is the end of a whole generation in our family. So weird.
So my co-workers cleared out of the office early. AND since my work load has been light for about the last two weeks, I thought what better opportunity to write in my LJ then now.
So I turned off the stereo that is constantly set to Christmas music and set my iPod to Bush (I have been in the mood for 90's rock lately) and I am enjoying work now, for once.
Life has been going well. I passed my statistics class and it looks like clear sailing to Cal Poly (knock on wood). I am so happy. I feel like I am so much closer to my goal. It almost feels like all the early mornings to work, late nights in class and countless hours study and cramming are finally paying off. I say almost because, I know I wont be truly satisfied until I have my degree. Although, I think I have reached this real place in my life, where really what I am looking for is not so much the degree but the education behind it. After all, I think the initial idea behind college has been lost over the years. Well at least lost to me.
Through this journey of panic and anxiety, I feel like I am being re-introduced to the person I am. The person I lost. After high school, I became so obsessed with making my parents proud of me that I got lost in pleasing them. I stopped everything I enjoyed or was. Not because they asked me, my parents love me enough never ask me. I just now their expectations and life/family history and felt I need to repay them for all they had done (do). Lets be honest, I wasn’t the model daughter my last years of teenage life. I ditched practically all of my senior year of high school and half-assed my shitty job (no excuse). I went across the country seeing bands and fought with my dad every step of the way. Fuck, I even turned down my acceptance to Fullerton. For what?
Point… well now I am going to stop pleasing my parents and be myself. Thank god I am not that that flighty teenage girl any more. I am far more driven and goal oriented then I was back them. That is not the point; the point is that I guess if I had not had this panic situation arise, I never may have reached this point. Therefore, the biggest point of this whole long live journal entry is that, there is always a sliver lining to a real dark area of your life.
I am learning to love myself and accept myself for who I am. I am looking forward to the future. I’m very excited. oh yeah! and I have lost a total of 30 pounds.. LMAO but that's not the point!
My mom is going to write a book on my grandpa. Which I think is awesome. It gives my mom a way to channel her mourning. I didn't expect her research to invlove her watching countless video footage of my grandpa when he was on tv. I never imagined how hard it would be to hear his voice again.
I was in my room watching True Blood and I hear his voice in the living room and I freaked out. At first, the voice sounded so familiar and so safe. After a second I pinpointed the voice and my eyes watered up. I was too chicken to go to the living room and watch the interviews. So I listened for a couple minutes, letting his voice and the safe feeling wash over me. I let the memories of my grandfather flood my senses. Then I got up and shut the door to my room, and turned up the volume on my computer. I choked back my tears and I didn't leave my room til I was sure the videos were finished and my mom was done crying. I just don't want to have to deal with that type of emotion right now. I know that's selfish. Its just.... that's how I deal.
On a totally separate and corny topic: When I get a boyfriend, I'm going to ask him to sing me NE-YO's miss independent. LMAO - That song cracks me up.